Would you like a dowry with that?

Marriage...AH the M word. It seems that upon the clock striking midnight on january 2 the date of my 25th bday all anybody is interested in is when i'll find someone and be married. Actually the talks have been occurring since i graduated college...but then it wasn't so much "talks" more like murmers. Now it's definitely a SHOUT. Simply put...my marriage shelf life is fast expiring...and it's a race against the clock to have me hitched before i spoil? (ok so the spoiled food analogy doesn't make it thaaat far).

So my family has been fairly active in the search...and for the most part unsuccessful. My mom's latest endeavor was her good friend's sister's sister in law's son (yah, i know...take a moment to wrap your head around that). To make a long story short...the situation never really got anywhere because the woman wanted a guarantee that i would move to north carolina for her precious son (mind you this was something i had to agree to before even talking or meeting this guy). Let's be serious though, this whole thing was doomed from the get go because my mom and this woman were corresponding to try to get this together instead of just letting us, me and this guy, just talk and get to know each other. I'm not opposed to being set up or introduced but i think at the introduction is where the 3rd party's role should completely end. My mom and this kid's mom should have just let us exchange emails and talk instead of planning out our effing wedding before hand! needless to say i did not meet her condition precedent and made my position in the matter completely clear. BUT my mom wasn't so quick to think this lady was crazy she actually was trying to tell me to consider agreeing to move to north carolina for a guy i've never seen or spoken to. SERIOUSLY, seriously. Admittedly she thought it was weird but i guess her fear that id be like 30 and unmarried won out over the weird lady factor but then she talked to her friend and HER friend was like that lady is crazy why is she asking her to agree to that NOW...uh THANK YOU did i not make that same point...all i can say is thank god that's over with.

But this brings me to a whole different issue...it's weird that i can so openly talk to my mom about this whole marriage thing...i mean we've always been close but we never really talked about boys. Probably largely bc i never really had a boyfriend or anything in high school it was just not something that really was ever discussed. But now that i'm of marriagable age it's all we talk about...and so today it was funny because she said to me you know i want you to find someone and be happy but also it makes me sad because i dont want you to leave me (its the indian mentality that the girl leaves her family to go into the guys) and so i jokingly said so why are you trying to send me off to north carolina?? and she said to me it's not that i want you to go but what if that's where you'll be happy. And it hit me...the unconditional limitless love of a parent. I mean my whole life i've been my mom's little helper...after my dad passed my mom said from a little age i was pretty mature it's like i knew she needed help, after all she had 2 toddlers under the age of 5 and was doing it alone. She used to tell me God knew she was going to lose her husband so he sent me down first so I could help her. I mean that's one of my things about finding someone i need him to understand my family and realize how important that is to me. My mom is a single parent and shes getting older and my brother and I are going to take care of her no matter what after everything she's done in her life for us...it would be my privilege and honor to take care of her. So i want to be here i want be near her and i don't care if that sounds childish or like i can't leave the nest...it has nothing to do with that. It's not that i can't leave i dont want to i won't leave my mom alone. So the man i marry will understand that and respect it.

But the point is i finally understood that unconditional love...my mom knowing that if i moved away and had my separate life with my husband...she'd be alone completely and she doesnt want that...but she's not thinking about that...all shes's thinking is that she wants me to be happy and have a family. It's that ability to completely forego any concern for yourself, just totally throw out the window the things you want for your family. My mom has been doing that my whole life and i know it...i've always know her unconditional love for us...but i'm only now really and truly understanding it. It blows my mind and is almost humbling. Is that the right word...i don't know it was like a wow moment for me. I don't know maybe i'm not explaining any of this right and it just sounds stupid. But in that moment right there standing in the kitchen it was like an epiphany. So much so it inspired me to write about it.

anyways i guess that's it for now...let's see what else i get inspired to write about.