The World

This is crazy...i've never been one for blogging sharing my thoughts ideas dreams etc...i'm pretty private in general but i have so much in my head that i feel like i need an outlet. I guess this is like a diary, only i was never really ever any good at keeping a diary...I have about 10 diaries documenting the first month of each year starting from my 8th birthday until college (where it was cooler to call it a journal)...but after that first month of novelty wore off the diary got tossed somewhere into the back of the closet. Maybe i just didn't have much to say back then...I mean let's be real how exciting is the life of an 8 year old in suburban nj. I think the highlight of my week was pizza day on friday. So here goes nothing... hopefully this lasts longer than my diaries.

I was watching the news today and it was all about the earthquake in haiti. So many dead, displaced, no water, no electricity nothing. And here i am sitting comfortably on my couch watching tv, warmed by central heating...it seems so unfair. And i can't help but feel guilty...and that's crazy right i feel guilty for having the life i have as if suffering some how would make me better...not that i think i'm a bad person...but i don't know that i'm a good person. I try to be but who ever knows if they are really good. All i know is feeling guilty isn't going to help these people...or anyone for that matter. I mean this in terms of not only haiti but everywhere...there's poverty and despair everywhere....even in america. I want to help everyone i want to change the world and make a difference and fix all the worlds problem. Realistic right. But is it really that unrealistic?? why can't it be realistic? why can't people just help each other...because that's all it really takes at the end of the day...someone willing to help...action.

I say these things...but what do i really do...i have all these great ideas of what i want to do...i want to volunteer at a women's shelter...mentor kids in newark...go into legal aid. So what happened...I honestly don't know. Life, i guess, my life...doing my daily routine school, work, etc...Should i feel bad about it? We all have our lives and for us that's everything it's what we have to do...and that's totally fine. I don't mean to belittle that for anyone...but i know for me, personally, i need to do something. It's almost like having all these things I want to do is just building inside and if i don't do something soon i'm going to explode. And it's not like i think i'm going to change the world...but who knows...maybe i'll change that kid in newark's world. I also feel kind of "ungenuine" because i have all these hopes and ideas for the world but not actually doing anything to help is almost hypocritical (my feelings on hypocrisy i'll save for another blog). it creates this kind of cognitive dissonance like my thoughts aren't matching up with my actions so i need to do something to rectify this.

So here's where i stand regarding my endeavors to "change the world"...so far i've made up my mind to only apply for public interest internships for the summer...and now i'm currently looking into mentoring/volunteer programs. 2010 is the year i get active.