I'm dedicating this post to manasa and the amazing things shes currently doing in Nairobi with Acumen.
So i was reading Manasa's latest blog and she talked about how her company's CEO was visiting and she had written a book basically about what inspired her to do the work she does. Well,as it happened, the book was given to the man that cleaned the Acumen office in Nairobi. He in turn passed it around to members of his community, and as often happens, the smallest gesture can turn into something bigger, something great. This man organized a book club during which they got together and just discussed ideas etc...It's funny because even in the poorest of communities where education is scarce there is this almost innate desire to learn, to grow, to know more. You know, this morning I woke up and realllly didn't want to go to class, and then i read manasa's blog about these people that came together to learn from one another and I thought, how selfish I am. I have available to me all the education and knowledge in the world and I treat it as something I have a right to. Education should be a right, it should be available to everyone, but instead for those people in the slums of Nairobi, it's a privilege they rarely encounter.
The title of my post today is actually a quote from the cleaner that started the book club. In his own words he made a beautiful speech. Manasa has portions of the speech in her blog (http://manasamusa.blogspot.com/) and it really is worth reading. I just remember thinking, I want to meet this person, he seems like a special soul, someone so hopeful and optimistic, who despite growing up in a world of crime and poverty sees the good in the world, and more than that, the potential for greatness.
He says,
"I may not share the same experience with Jacqueline, but her story inspires me a lot. I didn't make it to advanced education. I was told to join one of the various arms of the government - Kenyan Army, Police, Navy, Security, among others, but I haven't gone through. It's not that I don't qualify, but that I don't have the money to bribe. People bribe to get a well paying job. What about the poor who have no money to bribe but have a huge potential to transform the world?
Tribalism and nepotism are yet other barrier's to one's goal in life. [........] Let us join hands and solidly agree that poverty is not permanent; it's something we have created and in the same way we can rid it away if we mean it. As I sit down I take this occasion to remind you that it's a New Year. Let us be new."
I couldnt get his words out of my head. And this goes back to what i wrote in my post day 1, there are SO many people out there with such incredible talents and potential and the only reason we may not know about them is because they were born in the slums of nairobi or the poor villages of india. We have to invest in each other, realize that one of those little kids running around in the street could cure cancer if given the right opportunities. "Let us join hands and solidly agree that poverty is not permanent"...that hope i can't even put into words how amazing that is to me. I admire this man so much, he's the type of people we need in this world...I feel like, for all the wealth and knowledge we have in the western world, we also have this jaded cynicism, that nothing can be done without writing a check and unless you have a couple degrees behind your name you don't know what you're talking about. What Alex has is this sort of purity and its genius in its simplicity, just help each other out. Have faith in each other.
You know, Alex commented in his speech that he was inspired by the book he read by Acumen's CEO, I want him to know that I am inspired by him.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Seriously...
So this is going to be a continuation of my last entry...so warning if you don't want to hear about douchebaggy guys...skip this post.
I had this total epiphany last night. I think i may have finally kicked attraction to jerks. You know i always wondered why the douchebag asses of the world somehow gravitated to me like bees to honey...and then i realized...it's not really their fault...it's me. I might as well have a sign on my forehead that says douchebags welcome. I don't know what it is exactly that i do but i must in some subconscious way signal to them id be receptive to them all the while dismissing the nice guy right in front of my face. And then this lead me to the further conclusion that girls are equally so if not more responsible for the creation of these douchebags.
Let me start at the beginning...so we remember the super cute man whore...i opted not to inform him of my whereabouts all night...of course he ultimately txts me...now i could have just ignored it...forget about it and let it go...but you know what i'll admit it a part of me wanted to think that maybe this "rep" he had was in the past maybe he was different...so he asks me if we're still at the place...to which i respond a simple yes (at this point it is 2 in the am, so that in and of itself should have signaled something to me)...of course i hear nothing back from him until 3:30...at this point we had left place 1 and were at place 2...so at 3:30 this jerk is saying hes going to head over to where I am...to which i politely respond sorry i've left (i fail to mention that we've simply shifted to another place i think it best to just have him think he missed his shot). One would think this would be the end of it, situation handled, end of story. Think again. This boy proceeds to txt me multiple times asking me if him and his friends can come over. Call me old fashioned, but did you really just ask to come to the place where i'm staying (which isn't even my apartment)having NEVER even met me before. SERIOUSLY, I was blown away by the audacity of this boy. More than anything, i was offended! Is this the type of girl he's used to...moreover HAS THIS ACTUALLY WORKED FOR HIM! He was really quite persistent about coming over and then i realized...he thinks he can get away with this because he has gotten away with this. Obviously enough girls have fallen for this and he's gotten what he's wanted out of it.
So here's my main point. I don't mean to get all feminist crazy on everyone...but we as women need to have more respect for ourselves. We need to understand that whether we realize it or not we encourage this kind of behavior in guys by allowing them to treat us like that. I see it so much in the younger girls especially, hooking up with as many guys as they can and these guys that use them for one thing and treat them as disposable objects. I mean thing is, at the end of the day, if that's all you want, then that's fine for you. But, I feel like as much as girls want to think we can hook up and behave just like guys completely unattached, it's not true. I just feel like i've noticed a distinct pattern over the years in how guys treat girls and there is just growing lack of respect for women and i'm not just talking about my personal experience i'm talking in the public and media...everywhere you look there's another story about some guy beating up his gf or cheating on his wife with 15 women (cough tiger woods cough)...and the media makes light of it and we joke about girls getting punched in the face (snookie) but if we really stop and think about it...it's disgusting.
anyways...that's my rant...maybe this is coming from a selfish place...because these guys think they can get any girl and treat her any way they want they assume i'd be no different...and i resent that. And i don't mean to sound like i'm better than anyone...trust me there's been times i wished i was just like those girls who didnt give a crap and did whatever...but that's not who i am, i never have been and i never will be. I guess all i can do is just keep setting these guys straight...one at a time hahahaha...well all i know is i'm pretty positive i won't have to worry about hearing from this particular character. Good riddance.
I had this total epiphany last night. I think i may have finally kicked attraction to jerks. You know i always wondered why the douchebag asses of the world somehow gravitated to me like bees to honey...and then i realized...it's not really their fault...it's me. I might as well have a sign on my forehead that says douchebags welcome. I don't know what it is exactly that i do but i must in some subconscious way signal to them id be receptive to them all the while dismissing the nice guy right in front of my face. And then this lead me to the further conclusion that girls are equally so if not more responsible for the creation of these douchebags.
Let me start at the beginning...so we remember the super cute man whore...i opted not to inform him of my whereabouts all night...of course he ultimately txts me...now i could have just ignored it...forget about it and let it go...but you know what i'll admit it a part of me wanted to think that maybe this "rep" he had was in the past maybe he was different...so he asks me if we're still at the place...to which i respond a simple yes (at this point it is 2 in the am, so that in and of itself should have signaled something to me)...of course i hear nothing back from him until 3:30...at this point we had left place 1 and were at place 2...so at 3:30 this jerk is saying hes going to head over to where I am...to which i politely respond sorry i've left (i fail to mention that we've simply shifted to another place i think it best to just have him think he missed his shot). One would think this would be the end of it, situation handled, end of story. Think again. This boy proceeds to txt me multiple times asking me if him and his friends can come over. Call me old fashioned, but did you really just ask to come to the place where i'm staying (which isn't even my apartment)having NEVER even met me before. SERIOUSLY, I was blown away by the audacity of this boy. More than anything, i was offended! Is this the type of girl he's used to...moreover HAS THIS ACTUALLY WORKED FOR HIM! He was really quite persistent about coming over and then i realized...he thinks he can get away with this because he has gotten away with this. Obviously enough girls have fallen for this and he's gotten what he's wanted out of it.
So here's my main point. I don't mean to get all feminist crazy on everyone...but we as women need to have more respect for ourselves. We need to understand that whether we realize it or not we encourage this kind of behavior in guys by allowing them to treat us like that. I see it so much in the younger girls especially, hooking up with as many guys as they can and these guys that use them for one thing and treat them as disposable objects. I mean thing is, at the end of the day, if that's all you want, then that's fine for you. But, I feel like as much as girls want to think we can hook up and behave just like guys completely unattached, it's not true. I just feel like i've noticed a distinct pattern over the years in how guys treat girls and there is just growing lack of respect for women and i'm not just talking about my personal experience i'm talking in the public and media...everywhere you look there's another story about some guy beating up his gf or cheating on his wife with 15 women (cough tiger woods cough)...and the media makes light of it and we joke about girls getting punched in the face (snookie) but if we really stop and think about it...it's disgusting.
anyways...that's my rant...maybe this is coming from a selfish place...because these guys think they can get any girl and treat her any way they want they assume i'd be no different...and i resent that. And i don't mean to sound like i'm better than anyone...trust me there's been times i wished i was just like those girls who didnt give a crap and did whatever...but that's not who i am, i never have been and i never will be. I guess all i can do is just keep setting these guys straight...one at a time hahahaha...well all i know is i'm pretty positive i won't have to worry about hearing from this particular character. Good riddance.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Quest for a Unicorn
So it seems like when I am determined to put myself on "guy-atus" the universe just refuses to let me be...
Let me start at the beginning...so this guy messages me on facebook (I KNOW, trust me)...and for once it wasn't from a fob in malaysia or india...actually it was from a cute guy, a really cute guy. Bad news from the start. One thing i've learned about guys in my 25 years...beware of the cute guy. I have a theory about good looking indian guys. In general there are just more attractive indian girls than attractive indian guys, so as a result good looking indian guys feel they can be douchebags and dick over as many girls as they want because at the end of the day there will be a good looking girl there waiting for him. That being said...generally I've got great douche radar...but recently one slipped through the cracks. My problem is he hasn't actually done anything to me to make him think he is a jerk...in fact in our messaging he has been really endearing and funny. So there's the problem, do i go off of what i was unwilling informed about this guy (b/c of course in the brown world someone knows someone who knows he's a jerk)...or do make my own judgments.
My mom always told me never to judge someone based of anything but my own personal experiences with them. But heres the thing...ive experienced guys like this before...i've dated a guy like this. I think that whole experience affected me more than i really like to admit. Who likes to admit that they were broken...that they literally felt unworthy of anyone because of someone who in the end wasn't worthy of them. And the kicker is that when it's someone else in the situation you can so clearly see how wrong it is...but when it's you...the blinders come on. He is the reason i instinctively am suspicious of guys' and their intentions...i can't just trust someone and take them at face value because doing that got me so hurt. And so, as a result, and understandably so, guys realize how much work it's going to be break me down and i guess deduce it's just not worth the effort. So, the point is, since that, I have been EVER so cautious and careful NOT to get into a situation like that again. It's been so long but sometimes when I start talking to a new guy and i notice something that reminds me of that guy I go into lock down and that's the end of that. I realize it's a vicious circle...i cant find anyone willing to "break me down" so to speak because i dont let them get close enough to even try...but i don't know how not to be extra cautious.
So now back to this new super cute guy...i'm not lying he's really cute...first thing i look for is if we can have an actual conversation...feed off of each other a little flirting a little banter...because here's my thing i think you need someone that keeps you on your toes. What i mean is the hey how are you how was your day constant talk is boring...i need some spice. SO we had this...right away we were being witty and going back and forth with it...already i'm impressed because usually what turns me off about a guy is that we just can't hold a conversation or i'm just not excited to talk to him. For the first time in a while (actually this summer there was a guy my bff tried to introduce me too who i thoroughly enjoyed talking to...too bad he met me and decided never to talk to me again) i was actually enjoying talking to a guy...maybe even looking forward to talking to him! and the whole time im thinking don't get too excited things have a way of just fizzeling out...but saying that and doing that...so hard...so of course i let myself get a little excited. So then he goes and says "hey we're both going to be in the city saturday maybe we can bump into each other"...so i'm thinking omg he wants to meet me. EHHH WRONG...he wants to meet your pants and get in them bc FYI...he's a womanizer. And now after hearing that news...im going back and realizing...well actually he was always asking me about me but wasn't very forthcoming with information about himself...and maybe the fact that he was willing to meet me while already out instead of asking me out says it all. I mean if he was really interestd in something wouldnt he grow a pair and be a gentlemen and ask me out. It's so funny how different information can change our beliefs instantaneously...and color our previous experiences completely differently. So, well there it is...and let's be real as much as we all want to be the girl that changes the guy...that RARELY if ever happens. All i have to say is how does the universe expect me to say positive and optimistic when it is CONSTANTLY proving my guy theories right!
And this brings me to an entirely different tangential point...this is the problem with the new age internet way of meeting people. There's just now way of really know what a person is about. I bet if i'd met this guy in person my douche radar would have totally gone off...but over the internet you can be sweet and witty and hide the douche. but it's like well i'm not meeting anyone of substance when i go out and meeting someone on the internet is weird...WTF is left??? I almost wish for the simplicity of our parents times where people didnt have these alternate shady lives what you saw was what you got for the most part. I don't know i'm probably looking at it with rose colored glasses...im sure it had it's problems...my point is guys STOP BEING JERKS...just stop.
I realize this post makes me sound like a bitter old hag...and don't think the weight of the fact that it's friday night and i'm home sitting on my ass is lost on me hahahh...but i guess i had to vent. As for this boy...well i guess we'll see what happens. I think i'm kind of hoping he just doesn't show up. and if he does...well i dunno i guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Let me start at the beginning...so this guy messages me on facebook (I KNOW, trust me)...and for once it wasn't from a fob in malaysia or india...actually it was from a cute guy, a really cute guy. Bad news from the start. One thing i've learned about guys in my 25 years...beware of the cute guy. I have a theory about good looking indian guys. In general there are just more attractive indian girls than attractive indian guys, so as a result good looking indian guys feel they can be douchebags and dick over as many girls as they want because at the end of the day there will be a good looking girl there waiting for him. That being said...generally I've got great douche radar...but recently one slipped through the cracks. My problem is he hasn't actually done anything to me to make him think he is a jerk...in fact in our messaging he has been really endearing and funny. So there's the problem, do i go off of what i was unwilling informed about this guy (b/c of course in the brown world someone knows someone who knows he's a jerk)...or do make my own judgments.
My mom always told me never to judge someone based of anything but my own personal experiences with them. But heres the thing...ive experienced guys like this before...i've dated a guy like this. I think that whole experience affected me more than i really like to admit. Who likes to admit that they were broken...that they literally felt unworthy of anyone because of someone who in the end wasn't worthy of them. And the kicker is that when it's someone else in the situation you can so clearly see how wrong it is...but when it's you...the blinders come on. He is the reason i instinctively am suspicious of guys' and their intentions...i can't just trust someone and take them at face value because doing that got me so hurt. And so, as a result, and understandably so, guys realize how much work it's going to be break me down and i guess deduce it's just not worth the effort. So, the point is, since that, I have been EVER so cautious and careful NOT to get into a situation like that again. It's been so long but sometimes when I start talking to a new guy and i notice something that reminds me of that guy I go into lock down and that's the end of that. I realize it's a vicious circle...i cant find anyone willing to "break me down" so to speak because i dont let them get close enough to even try...but i don't know how not to be extra cautious.
So now back to this new super cute guy...i'm not lying he's really cute...first thing i look for is if we can have an actual conversation...feed off of each other a little flirting a little banter...because here's my thing i think you need someone that keeps you on your toes. What i mean is the hey how are you how was your day constant talk is boring...i need some spice. SO we had this...right away we were being witty and going back and forth with it...already i'm impressed because usually what turns me off about a guy is that we just can't hold a conversation or i'm just not excited to talk to him. For the first time in a while (actually this summer there was a guy my bff tried to introduce me too who i thoroughly enjoyed talking to...too bad he met me and decided never to talk to me again) i was actually enjoying talking to a guy...maybe even looking forward to talking to him! and the whole time im thinking don't get too excited things have a way of just fizzeling out...but saying that and doing that...so hard...so of course i let myself get a little excited. So then he goes and says "hey we're both going to be in the city saturday maybe we can bump into each other"...so i'm thinking omg he wants to meet me. EHHH WRONG...he wants to meet your pants and get in them bc FYI...he's a womanizer. And now after hearing that news...im going back and realizing...well actually he was always asking me about me but wasn't very forthcoming with information about himself...and maybe the fact that he was willing to meet me while already out instead of asking me out says it all. I mean if he was really interestd in something wouldnt he grow a pair and be a gentlemen and ask me out. It's so funny how different information can change our beliefs instantaneously...and color our previous experiences completely differently. So, well there it is...and let's be real as much as we all want to be the girl that changes the guy...that RARELY if ever happens. All i have to say is how does the universe expect me to say positive and optimistic when it is CONSTANTLY proving my guy theories right!
And this brings me to an entirely different tangential point...this is the problem with the new age internet way of meeting people. There's just now way of really know what a person is about. I bet if i'd met this guy in person my douche radar would have totally gone off...but over the internet you can be sweet and witty and hide the douche. but it's like well i'm not meeting anyone of substance when i go out and meeting someone on the internet is weird...WTF is left??? I almost wish for the simplicity of our parents times where people didnt have these alternate shady lives what you saw was what you got for the most part. I don't know i'm probably looking at it with rose colored glasses...im sure it had it's problems...my point is guys STOP BEING JERKS...just stop.
I realize this post makes me sound like a bitter old hag...and don't think the weight of the fact that it's friday night and i'm home sitting on my ass is lost on me hahahh...but i guess i had to vent. As for this boy...well i guess we'll see what happens. I think i'm kind of hoping he just doesn't show up. and if he does...well i dunno i guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Would you like a dowry with that?
Marriage...AH the M word. It seems that upon the clock striking midnight on january 2 the date of my 25th bday all anybody is interested in is when i'll find someone and be married. Actually the talks have been occurring since i graduated college...but then it wasn't so much "talks" more like murmers. Now it's definitely a SHOUT. Simply put...my marriage shelf life is fast expiring...and it's a race against the clock to have me hitched before i spoil? (ok so the spoiled food analogy doesn't make it thaaat far).
So my family has been fairly active in the search...and for the most part unsuccessful. My mom's latest endeavor was her good friend's sister's sister in law's son (yah, i know...take a moment to wrap your head around that). To make a long story short...the situation never really got anywhere because the woman wanted a guarantee that i would move to north carolina for her precious son (mind you this was something i had to agree to before even talking or meeting this guy). Let's be serious though, this whole thing was doomed from the get go because my mom and this woman were corresponding to try to get this together instead of just letting us, me and this guy, just talk and get to know each other. I'm not opposed to being set up or introduced but i think at the introduction is where the 3rd party's role should completely end. My mom and this kid's mom should have just let us exchange emails and talk instead of planning out our effing wedding before hand! needless to say i did not meet her condition precedent and made my position in the matter completely clear. BUT my mom wasn't so quick to think this lady was crazy she actually was trying to tell me to consider agreeing to move to north carolina for a guy i've never seen or spoken to. SERIOUSLY, seriously. Admittedly she thought it was weird but i guess her fear that id be like 30 and unmarried won out over the weird lady factor but then she talked to her friend and HER friend was like that lady is crazy why is she asking her to agree to that NOW...uh THANK YOU did i not make that same point...all i can say is thank god that's over with.
But this brings me to a whole different issue...it's weird that i can so openly talk to my mom about this whole marriage thing...i mean we've always been close but we never really talked about boys. Probably largely bc i never really had a boyfriend or anything in high school it was just not something that really was ever discussed. But now that i'm of marriagable age it's all we talk about...and so today it was funny because she said to me you know i want you to find someone and be happy but also it makes me sad because i dont want you to leave me (its the indian mentality that the girl leaves her family to go into the guys) and so i jokingly said so why are you trying to send me off to north carolina?? and she said to me it's not that i want you to go but what if that's where you'll be happy. And it hit me...the unconditional limitless love of a parent. I mean my whole life i've been my mom's little helper...after my dad passed my mom said from a little age i was pretty mature it's like i knew she needed help, after all she had 2 toddlers under the age of 5 and was doing it alone. She used to tell me God knew she was going to lose her husband so he sent me down first so I could help her. I mean that's one of my things about finding someone i need him to understand my family and realize how important that is to me. My mom is a single parent and shes getting older and my brother and I are going to take care of her no matter what after everything she's done in her life for us...it would be my privilege and honor to take care of her. So i want to be here i want be near her and i don't care if that sounds childish or like i can't leave the nest...it has nothing to do with that. It's not that i can't leave i dont want to i won't leave my mom alone. So the man i marry will understand that and respect it.
But the point is i finally understood that unconditional love...my mom knowing that if i moved away and had my separate life with my husband...she'd be alone completely and she doesnt want that...but she's not thinking about that...all shes's thinking is that she wants me to be happy and have a family. It's that ability to completely forego any concern for yourself, just totally throw out the window the things you want for your family. My mom has been doing that my whole life and i know it...i've always know her unconditional love for us...but i'm only now really and truly understanding it. It blows my mind and is almost humbling. Is that the right word...i don't know it was like a wow moment for me. I don't know maybe i'm not explaining any of this right and it just sounds stupid. But in that moment right there standing in the kitchen it was like an epiphany. So much so it inspired me to write about it.
anyways i guess that's it for now...let's see what else i get inspired to write about.
So my family has been fairly active in the search...and for the most part unsuccessful. My mom's latest endeavor was her good friend's sister's sister in law's son (yah, i know...take a moment to wrap your head around that). To make a long story short...the situation never really got anywhere because the woman wanted a guarantee that i would move to north carolina for her precious son (mind you this was something i had to agree to before even talking or meeting this guy). Let's be serious though, this whole thing was doomed from the get go because my mom and this woman were corresponding to try to get this together instead of just letting us, me and this guy, just talk and get to know each other. I'm not opposed to being set up or introduced but i think at the introduction is where the 3rd party's role should completely end. My mom and this kid's mom should have just let us exchange emails and talk instead of planning out our effing wedding before hand! needless to say i did not meet her condition precedent and made my position in the matter completely clear. BUT my mom wasn't so quick to think this lady was crazy she actually was trying to tell me to consider agreeing to move to north carolina for a guy i've never seen or spoken to. SERIOUSLY, seriously. Admittedly she thought it was weird but i guess her fear that id be like 30 and unmarried won out over the weird lady factor but then she talked to her friend and HER friend was like that lady is crazy why is she asking her to agree to that NOW...uh THANK YOU did i not make that same point...all i can say is thank god that's over with.
But this brings me to a whole different issue...it's weird that i can so openly talk to my mom about this whole marriage thing...i mean we've always been close but we never really talked about boys. Probably largely bc i never really had a boyfriend or anything in high school it was just not something that really was ever discussed. But now that i'm of marriagable age it's all we talk about...and so today it was funny because she said to me you know i want you to find someone and be happy but also it makes me sad because i dont want you to leave me (its the indian mentality that the girl leaves her family to go into the guys) and so i jokingly said so why are you trying to send me off to north carolina?? and she said to me it's not that i want you to go but what if that's where you'll be happy. And it hit me...the unconditional limitless love of a parent. I mean my whole life i've been my mom's little helper...after my dad passed my mom said from a little age i was pretty mature it's like i knew she needed help, after all she had 2 toddlers under the age of 5 and was doing it alone. She used to tell me God knew she was going to lose her husband so he sent me down first so I could help her. I mean that's one of my things about finding someone i need him to understand my family and realize how important that is to me. My mom is a single parent and shes getting older and my brother and I are going to take care of her no matter what after everything she's done in her life for us...it would be my privilege and honor to take care of her. So i want to be here i want be near her and i don't care if that sounds childish or like i can't leave the nest...it has nothing to do with that. It's not that i can't leave i dont want to i won't leave my mom alone. So the man i marry will understand that and respect it.
But the point is i finally understood that unconditional love...my mom knowing that if i moved away and had my separate life with my husband...she'd be alone completely and she doesnt want that...but she's not thinking about that...all shes's thinking is that she wants me to be happy and have a family. It's that ability to completely forego any concern for yourself, just totally throw out the window the things you want for your family. My mom has been doing that my whole life and i know it...i've always know her unconditional love for us...but i'm only now really and truly understanding it. It blows my mind and is almost humbling. Is that the right word...i don't know it was like a wow moment for me. I don't know maybe i'm not explaining any of this right and it just sounds stupid. But in that moment right there standing in the kitchen it was like an epiphany. So much so it inspired me to write about it.
anyways i guess that's it for now...let's see what else i get inspired to write about.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The World
This is crazy...i've never been one for blogging sharing my thoughts ideas dreams etc...i'm pretty private in general but i have so much in my head that i feel like i need an outlet. I guess this is like a diary, only i was never really ever any good at keeping a diary...I have about 10 diaries documenting the first month of each year starting from my 8th birthday until college (where it was cooler to call it a journal)...but after that first month of novelty wore off the diary got tossed somewhere into the back of the closet. Maybe i just didn't have much to say back then...I mean let's be real how exciting is the life of an 8 year old in suburban nj. I think the highlight of my week was pizza day on friday. So here goes nothing... hopefully this lasts longer than my diaries.
I was watching the news today and it was all about the earthquake in haiti. So many dead, displaced, no water, no electricity nothing. And here i am sitting comfortably on my couch watching tv, warmed by central heating...it seems so unfair. And i can't help but feel guilty...and that's crazy right i feel guilty for having the life i have as if suffering some how would make me better...not that i think i'm a bad person...but i don't know that i'm a good person. I try to be but who ever knows if they are really good. All i know is feeling guilty isn't going to help these people...or anyone for that matter. I mean this in terms of not only haiti but everywhere...there's poverty and despair everywhere....even in america. I want to help everyone i want to change the world and make a difference and fix all the worlds problem. Realistic right. But is it really that unrealistic?? why can't it be realistic? why can't people just help each other...because that's all it really takes at the end of the day...someone willing to help...action.
I say these things...but what do i really do...i have all these great ideas of what i want to do...i want to volunteer at a women's shelter...mentor kids in newark...go into legal aid. So what happened...I honestly don't know. Life, i guess, my life...doing my daily routine school, work, etc...Should i feel bad about it? We all have our lives and for us that's everything it's what we have to do...and that's totally fine. I don't mean to belittle that for anyone...but i know for me, personally, i need to do something. It's almost like having all these things I want to do is just building inside and if i don't do something soon i'm going to explode. And it's not like i think i'm going to change the world...but who knows...maybe i'll change that kid in newark's world. I also feel kind of "ungenuine" because i have all these hopes and ideas for the world but not actually doing anything to help is almost hypocritical (my feelings on hypocrisy i'll save for another blog). it creates this kind of cognitive dissonance like my thoughts aren't matching up with my actions so i need to do something to rectify this.
So here's where i stand regarding my endeavors to "change the world"...so far i've made up my mind to only apply for public interest internships for the summer...and now i'm currently looking into mentoring/volunteer programs. 2010 is the year i get active.
I was watching the news today and it was all about the earthquake in haiti. So many dead, displaced, no water, no electricity nothing. And here i am sitting comfortably on my couch watching tv, warmed by central heating...it seems so unfair. And i can't help but feel guilty...and that's crazy right i feel guilty for having the life i have as if suffering some how would make me better...not that i think i'm a bad person...but i don't know that i'm a good person. I try to be but who ever knows if they are really good. All i know is feeling guilty isn't going to help these people...or anyone for that matter. I mean this in terms of not only haiti but everywhere...there's poverty and despair everywhere....even in america. I want to help everyone i want to change the world and make a difference and fix all the worlds problem. Realistic right. But is it really that unrealistic?? why can't it be realistic? why can't people just help each other...because that's all it really takes at the end of the day...someone willing to help...action.
I say these things...but what do i really do...i have all these great ideas of what i want to do...i want to volunteer at a women's shelter...mentor kids in newark...go into legal aid. So what happened...I honestly don't know. Life, i guess, my life...doing my daily routine school, work, etc...Should i feel bad about it? We all have our lives and for us that's everything it's what we have to do...and that's totally fine. I don't mean to belittle that for anyone...but i know for me, personally, i need to do something. It's almost like having all these things I want to do is just building inside and if i don't do something soon i'm going to explode. And it's not like i think i'm going to change the world...but who knows...maybe i'll change that kid in newark's world. I also feel kind of "ungenuine" because i have all these hopes and ideas for the world but not actually doing anything to help is almost hypocritical (my feelings on hypocrisy i'll save for another blog). it creates this kind of cognitive dissonance like my thoughts aren't matching up with my actions so i need to do something to rectify this.
So here's where i stand regarding my endeavors to "change the world"...so far i've made up my mind to only apply for public interest internships for the summer...and now i'm currently looking into mentoring/volunteer programs. 2010 is the year i get active.
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